Birthday Letter (16th) to my Beautiful "Birth" daughter

Dear Ashleigh,

     Happy Sixteenth Birthday!!!!!!!!! It is hard to believe you entered this world sixteen years ago, you are now the age I was when I gave birth to you. I am so proud to have been the one that was given the chance to carry you under my heart. I pray that your birthday is wonderful, which I am sure it will be. It is time to drive now, are you getting your license? Of course you don’t have to tell me if you are or not, just a question I wanted to ask. My mom, your (birth)grandmother, made me get mine. I didn’t want to get mine, I was scared of driving but I sure am thankful that she made me anyway, it made my life a bit easier.

     Well Ash, I don’t know what else I should write to you because I am not sure what you want to hear. I do know that I want you to be aware of the fact that at any time that you are ready for contact I am here, ready and willing. I never want you to feel any pressure, I just want you to know that if you ever need anything I am here. I also want you to know that I love your Mom and Dad more than many will ever know, they are wonderful people. Also remember this I would never think I could take their place, nor would I want to, they are your parents and wonderful parents I believe they are. Know that I am just an addition to that, a person that gave you life sixteen years ago, and that I love you oh so very much.

     Much love and I hope your sixteenth birthday is the best birthday yet.

Love Always,

Janel Indingar (Your “birth” mother)

It will be your birthday in a few days, on mothers day to be exact. Gosh I hate when your special day falls on another holiday. Mothers Day or no Mothers Day this is always YOUR day in my eyes. This is the day I griev another year missed. This is the day my heart breaks all over again and I yern for you more than ever. I wanted to write you a birthday letter but I don't think I can do it without hurting someone in the process. So another year will go by that all I can say is Happy Birthday. However, it is a year closer to me having the chance of maybe meeting you. A year closer to when I can reach out to you without personally feeling guilty, because once you are 18 I will attempt to reach out to you.

It has almost been sixteen years since I have layed in a hospital bed with your mom on one side and mine on the other, waiting for your arrival. It has been sixteen years since I pushed you out and instead of the nurses handing you to me they wheeled you out with your mom hot on their tails. Oh how the thoughts of adoption have changed. I wish they would have handed you to me, so I could have been the first to see you. Back then it didn't hurt me so much because I didn't understand the importance of it but today it breaks my heart. I had the right to hold you first, I am your "first" mother so I should have gotten that first since I missed all the rest. I could hear you crying as they wheeled you down that hallway and I can still hear it so clearly, you are my greatest memory. Baby girl I didn't get to have any firsts with you, I never even had the chance to feed you. As I think of these things I feel hate for adoption. I missed so much that I shouldn't have. To most people I was just a birth mother, but to me I was a broken, lost mother. I held you in my hospital bed that first night, your parents at least gave me that, alone with you. I held you, I cried so many tears I am sure I created a river. As I held you I told you how much I love you, I tried to explain to the both of us AGAIN why I was letting you go. I wanted you to remember my touch, my voice, my heart. Still to this day I pray that you remember my touch, my voice, and my heart. After you were here in this world for twenty-four hours your parents took you away. They did it the wrong way, they were suppose to wait for me to leave first but they were SELFISH.........they didn't wait, I saw them walking down the hall with you in tow. Why didn't they think of my feelings for a minute, why didn't they let me say goodbye one last time? It hurt me but I pretended to be strong, I pretended it didn't bother me. I tried to block the pain out, pretend that I was happy and okay with letting you go but I wasn't. Don't get me wrong I believe what I did was right, but the pain was too much to handle at times. For your first year of life, I got some pictures and a dress from you and your mom, but that year was the worst. I wanted to die that year, I wanted the pain to go away. You kept me alive, I never wanted you to hear that you would never meet me because I killed myself. I wish I had someone to talk to during the darkest times of my life but I thought I had to be strong. Adoption was suppose to help both of us, you were suppose to have what I couldn't give and I was suppose to be able to reach my full potential in life, well I hope half of the plan happened. I pray you have a life that you love. I sucked at school after letting you go. I didn't want to be there, shoot, I didn't want to be here at all. I did have a chance to see you a couple of times for lunch with your mom, but then she ended those and I hated her for that. I love your mom now but it took many years of me growing up and going through many challenges before I got to a place where I could attempt to understand where her heart and mind were. This adoption journey has been one that I would never do a second time, it is too painful. I don't regret my adoption journey, but I never would want to go through it again. Don't worry Ash, my life is better now. I still miss you, I still cry for you, and most of the time I still do it alone, but I have peace with it. Now is the time that I worry that maybe you don't have peace. I hope you do and I hope when you do reach out to me you are honest and open with me, I hope you will ask me any question that you want answered. I cried a lot today while writting this, it has been a while since I have cried like that for you, but writting this made me hurt inside, it made me have to remember those first couple of years of your life. It took me back to being sixteen, seventeen, and even eighteen. I will always have a missing part of my heart as long as you are missing from my life but that is because I willingly gave it to your parents. Who would have known that sixteen years ago would be the best and worst day of my life..............

     Today I feel so very much in love. I love the man that came into my life four years ago and with each day my love grows for him even more. He has become so much of my life. As I cleaned the house today all I could think about is marrying him, making him mine forever. I have so many insecurities within myself from my past and I will get over them at some point in my life. I have such a fear of this wonderful man finding a woman that is "better" than me, a woman that my catch his eye. He is the best man for me and I can feel it within my heart. As I lay next to him I can feel this feeling that I can't even describe, I guess a feeling of peace. The love inside of me is so strong that as I type this tears come to my eyes, tears of happiness. I always go back to the day I fell back in love with this wonderful man, the day I wanted to kick myself because I had been selfish and let this man leave out of my life. I will never again let him leave, I will always fight for him, and I will always better myself for him. You are stuck with me forever Durand and noone will ever have the power to change that.......

And my adoption circle becomes bigger.......

     I met a woman today that reminded me of you, well she actually reminded me of me. It all started when I was talking with this woman at work about why I majored in Psychology and what I want to do with my life. I told her, " I want to work in adoption" and that seemed to have shaken her. She asked me, "Why adoption?" and I said, "because I want to work with birthmothers because I am a birthmother". She began to cry and explained to me that she too is a birthmother of 29 years. She was 13 when she had a baby and they told her they were going to give the baby a bath and she never saw him again until two years ago. Even with being reunited with her baby boy after all of the pain she walk with she continues to have pain. I could see the pain in her soul because it poured out of her eyes. Her eyes were so soft, tired, and hurt. She talked about her happiness when finally meeting her little boy but the tears still came and her eyes still very sad. I saw a woman today that had a more difficult adoption story than I, a woman that has so much more pain inside of herself than I, but we still felt a connection that will now have us tied together. Even if I don't have contact with her after today I will always hurt for her, think of her, and love her. She has walked a very hard road and she is still attempting to find peace after reunification but she is still so very strong. She made me sad for you baby girl. She made me emotional, but she made me happy. Happy that I have had the chances of watching you grow from a distance, the chance of knowing where you live, and a chance to have a relationship with your mommy. Baby girl this woman made me think of you all day today, this beautiful holiday I had the chance of enjoying with your brothers and sisters and in a way enjoying it with you. I got to enjoy with you because you were so in the front of my mind and heavy on my heart but I continue to be greatful for you. She gave me even more faith about you wanting me, wanting me for you, I believe we will be together one day and she made me believe that even more so today. I have never known another birthmother other than the two I was side by side with when they went through it AFTER me and the ladies I know from online messaging/support groups. Today I got the pleasure of getting to know a woman that was a birthmother way before my time of becoming a birthmother and to see her pain and her happiness gave me a great feeling. I love you honey and we will be together once more..........

     I sit here and wonder what life would be like if you were here, a teenager with a young mom. How different would you be than what you are now? You wouldn't have had all the opprotunities that you have had in your wonderful life this far but you would have me, the only person that knows what it felt like to hold you under my heart. The only person that knows the pain of not having you. Sometimes I wish I could have the last sixteen years with you, to watch you during all of your firsts, to comfort you when you needed it, and to tuck you in at night with a soft kiss like I do to your siblings now. I wish I could have watched it all unfold, both ways, before I made my choice to walk this long journey. I wish I would have known the longing and the aching deep in my soul. This aching is unreal to so many but so real to me. It has been real for far too long and though I am at peace with the choice I have made and the life that I have given you it doesn't take away the ache that is within me. You are my drive, the one that kept me alive when I felt I wanted to die. You have been the one person that has made me so strong and I love that, but would it have been the same way if you were with me? I know none of us will ever know the answers but they are questions that have been with me for sixteen years. If I would have known the pain of not having you would I have held you tight and thought of myself instead of your life? I wonder if your pain matches mine, I wonder if you wish I would have kept you instead of handing you so lovingly to your Mom and Dad. I pray you don't hurt and I pray you know that I love you. A good thing about now is that I don't hurt like I use to, I know I can live without you but I pray it is not forever. I thought I would see you by now, I believed in my heart that you would want to meet me, but it is not our time for you are not ready. Maybe in a couple of more years when you are all grown up, a college student, an adult. I wonder sometimes how it will be when we meet, will we hug each other or will we feel like strangers meeting for the first time. When I do have the chance to embrace you will you remember how it felt to be in my arms so many years ago? I remember how it felt to have you in my arms, that is all I remember, the hospital stay. We went to luch a couple of times after that, me, you and your mom, but I don't remember them to well, not like the hospital. The hospital stay feels like yesterday, but the luch dates feel like a lifetime ago. As your birthday continues to come closer I think of you more often. I pray for you, for us. I pray that it just means that OUR time is coming closer, I believe that our time will be here one day, but at times that day won't come quick enough. One day baby girl I will have the chance to show my love to you once again. One day I will be able to share tears with you as we travel back in time I am sure, and then continue the journey together instead of alone...........

Spring Time

It’s amazing how time goes by but it seems to stand still. I look at the time that has passed and I can’t believe it has been sixteen years. I look back and I remember the pain like it was yesterday that I held her in my arms, the day I went from being a new mom to a birth mom. I have missed so much, but I have given too. When people say why didn’t you keep her or didn’t you love her makes me want to scream. I did not inflict all of this pain on myself because I didn’t want her, I wanted her more than anything but I also wanted her to be able to have a life that I could not give. I remember so clearly sitting in that hospital bed holding her, crying, telling her how much I love her and why I chose this path for the both of us. I look back and I wonder why……why didn’t I keep her sonogram pictures, why didn’t I insist that I was the first to hold her, why did I attempt to act as if she was never mine? I know the answer, it was easier for me to block it out and feel as if she was theirs all along. I thought it was the best, I thought I wouldn’t mind, but sixteen years later I still hate that I did it that way. I hate that I could hear her crying down the hall once she was delivered, I hate that I can’t just sneak a peek at her sonogram photos, I hate that I didn’t sooth her when she first entered this world. If I could turn back the hands of time I wouldn’t have changed the fact that she is with her family, but I would have changed the fact that I let them be so involved in my first and last couple of days with her. I should have told them that I wanted my twenty-four hours with her to be just me, not them. I should have held her close to my skin so we could feel each other’s hearts beating. I should have given myself the chance to feed her but I didn’t and I took so much away from me. I wish I would have known more about adoption, I wish I knew and understood that I could have it my way those last few hours with her. These are the most important parts of adoption that is not known when the adoption is private. I didn’t have a plan for myself. I don’t think these things would have ever changed this emotional roller coaster that I jumped on sixteen years ago but I do believe that it would have helped her. I miss her so very much and during the spring my heart hurts for her and it is uncontrollable, it just happens. Sixteen springs of unwanted sadness, sixteen springs of trying to figure out why I become sad during this time of year, it is just my body and my heart missing a child that was created within me. Feeling my heart break in a thousand pieces all over again. It is funny how it comes on its own but this is the time I give myself time to grieve again. Maybe one day it will become easier, maybe once I meet my daughter again the spring time will be easier. Once I do meet her again this is the time of year we will probably have the most communication because this is HER time of year. My heart keeps spring time just for her. Until we meet again I will continue to hold her here in my heart but I think my body, uncontrollably, will hold her place in spring…………

Adoption all around me.........

     It seems like everywhere I turn lately I see adoption. Having adoption around me makes me think of my oldest daughter and our adoption journey. I see some adoption stories that are more open than mine, I see adoption stories that are more closed than mine, and they use to make me sad (the more open ones) or happy (the more closed ones) but now they all just make me see how "RIGHT" mine is. I have used my emotional struggles with my adoption journey when talking with some of the kids at work and, well I hear a lot of different things. I guess the same things I have always heard, do you want her back, do you regret it, do you wish you could see her now.....and on and on. I use to take these things that were asked to me and keep them within myself, I use to ponder on if I answered the questions untruthfully so people could understand I love my adoption. The truth is, at the time, I would untruthfully answer because I wanted people to understand that I DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE. Don't get me wrong, I never regretted my choice but I did at times want things to be different, however, if I told people I want things to be different in my journey then it makes people feel like I made the wrong choice or I regret my choice, or that I don't like the journey I have been walking. Now I can be honest, I can better explain that yes I would love to see my daughter at this moment but with the choice I made I also made the choice to give her the freedom to make a choice, a choice to meet me. I love my daughter, not many can understand how I love her and I cannot even explain it. I loved her enough to break my own heart so she can have an awesome life. I don't know at this point if I broke her heart in the process and really I may never know, but at this time in my long, emotional journey, I honestly believe that I have given her the best family possible, and they have given her the best life possible. Sometimes I wish that my beautiful girl would email me or call me. I wish that her mother would email me saying she is ready, my daughter ready to meet me, but that day has not come and I am alright. Do you know that if I got a call or an email saying that Ash is ready to meet me that I would do ANYTHING that is required for that meet? As scary as it would be to face her after all these years I would run to her. I heard a story of a kid looking for his biological mother, when she was found she was no longer living. Hearing that story made me miss my baby, made me pray harder that she will want to meet me before I am too old or even worse before I leave this earth. I want to complete this journey, no it is not really ever complete, but meeting Ash face to face will complete it for me, it will come full circle. One day I will cross the bridge on the path that I am taking and I will stop having the vision of my now big girl as a tiny baby. It is funny because even though I have seen pictures in my mind she is a day old, she is in my arms and I am telling her goodbye. I think it is about time that in my mind I see her as a young woman so smart and beautiful. God, I remember that day, that first day so clearly and it helps me realize how far I have come in this journey. How far we all have come in this journey. I like having adoption around me, I like seeing the affects of it both the good and the bad. I think seeing all different sides and types of stories prepares me even more for that day, the day that will come here one day............

Sixteen Years Ago

     Sixteen years ago I knew I was pregnant. Sixteen years ago was the beginning of a new life for me. Through my pregnancy I cried a lot, I talked to her, and I sang songs. I was so scared to tell my mom, my friends, really any one except her biological father. I was "in love" with him and in my mind I thought we would be together and raise our daughter, but in my heart I knew that wasn't what would happen. When I was six and a half months pregnant I finally told my mother and that is the moment I made the hardest, most difficult choice I have ever made. I chose, at that moment, my first born's family. What I didn't know at that moment, the pain I was about to inflict on myself. A pain that would never really go away, a pain that I would hold onto because of a fear that if I let go of the pain then I no longer missed my baby girl. A pain that I hold on to because I don't know how to let go of the only part of my daughter that I have. I think it is time to try to replace this feeling of pain with love, happiness, and peace. Heartache will never change anything and stopping the heartache will not change anything either. If I let myself let go of this pain it doesn't mean I stopped loving my beautiful angel, it doesn't mean I don't miss her, it just means I I have peacefully and lovingly let her go. I have given her the chance to be raised in a wonderfully, loving family. I refused myself the chance to raise her, to be her mommy, and to physically show her my love. I have denied myself so much but only in the attempt to  give her what I felt she deserved. I guess I felt that I didn't deserve her, I couldn't raise her, and I couldn't give her everything that I wanted for her. All I could give her at the age of sixteen was love and poverty, she needed more than love and deserved so much more than poverty. She got what she deserves. She has a wonderful family that has given her more than I could even imagine. As she grows older she will even have more than she even knows and that, is another entire family. That in itself puts happiness in my heart. Understand this, understand that I have NEVER regretted the choice I made. I have NEVER wanted to take her back from her family. I have NEVER stopped loving her. She is in my heart and on my mind. She is a blessing in so many ways. She as made me want to better myself as a person and a mother. My life is richer because of her, my children are loved stronger because of her, and my self worth is higher because of her. She is my baby girl and NOTHING in this entire world will change that. She is a part of me and I am proud of that. She belongs to her parents and I was the person that made that happen. She is part of them and THAT is truly AMAZING.