It will be your birthday in a few days, on mothers day to be exact. Gosh I hate when your special day falls on another holiday. Mothers Day or no Mothers Day this is always YOUR day in my eyes. This is the day I griev another year missed. This is the day my heart breaks all over again and I yern for you more than ever. I wanted to write you a birthday letter but I don't think I can do it without hurting someone in the process. So another year will go by that all I can say is Happy Birthday. However, it is a year closer to me having the chance of maybe meeting you. A year closer to when I can reach out to you without personally feeling guilty, because once you are 18 I will attempt to reach out to you.

It has almost been sixteen years since I have layed in a hospital bed with your mom on one side and mine on the other, waiting for your arrival. It has been sixteen years since I pushed you out and instead of the nurses handing you to me they wheeled you out with your mom hot on their tails. Oh how the thoughts of adoption have changed. I wish they would have handed you to me, so I could have been the first to see you. Back then it didn't hurt me so much because I didn't understand the importance of it but today it breaks my heart. I had the right to hold you first, I am your "first" mother so I should have gotten that first since I missed all the rest. I could hear you crying as they wheeled you down that hallway and I can still hear it so clearly, you are my greatest memory. Baby girl I didn't get to have any firsts with you, I never even had the chance to feed you. As I think of these things I feel hate for adoption. I missed so much that I shouldn't have. To most people I was just a birth mother, but to me I was a broken, lost mother. I held you in my hospital bed that first night, your parents at least gave me that, alone with you. I held you, I cried so many tears I am sure I created a river. As I held you I told you how much I love you, I tried to explain to the both of us AGAIN why I was letting you go. I wanted you to remember my touch, my voice, my heart. Still to this day I pray that you remember my touch, my voice, and my heart. After you were here in this world for twenty-four hours your parents took you away. They did it the wrong way, they were suppose to wait for me to leave first but they were SELFISH.........they didn't wait, I saw them walking down the hall with you in tow. Why didn't they think of my feelings for a minute, why didn't they let me say goodbye one last time? It hurt me but I pretended to be strong, I pretended it didn't bother me. I tried to block the pain out, pretend that I was happy and okay with letting you go but I wasn't. Don't get me wrong I believe what I did was right, but the pain was too much to handle at times. For your first year of life, I got some pictures and a dress from you and your mom, but that year was the worst. I wanted to die that year, I wanted the pain to go away. You kept me alive, I never wanted you to hear that you would never meet me because I killed myself. I wish I had someone to talk to during the darkest times of my life but I thought I had to be strong. Adoption was suppose to help both of us, you were suppose to have what I couldn't give and I was suppose to be able to reach my full potential in life, well I hope half of the plan happened. I pray you have a life that you love. I sucked at school after letting you go. I didn't want to be there, shoot, I didn't want to be here at all. I did have a chance to see you a couple of times for lunch with your mom, but then she ended those and I hated her for that. I love your mom now but it took many years of me growing up and going through many challenges before I got to a place where I could attempt to understand where her heart and mind were. This adoption journey has been one that I would never do a second time, it is too painful. I don't regret my adoption journey, but I never would want to go through it again. Don't worry Ash, my life is better now. I still miss you, I still cry for you, and most of the time I still do it alone, but I have peace with it. Now is the time that I worry that maybe you don't have peace. I hope you do and I hope when you do reach out to me you are honest and open with me, I hope you will ask me any question that you want answered. I cried a lot today while writting this, it has been a while since I have cried like that for you, but writting this made me hurt inside, it made me have to remember those first couple of years of your life. It took me back to being sixteen, seventeen, and even eighteen. I will always have a missing part of my heart as long as you are missing from my life but that is because I willingly gave it to your parents. Who would have known that sixteen years ago would be the best and worst day of my life..............