Spring Time

It’s amazing how time goes by but it seems to stand still. I look at the time that has passed and I can’t believe it has been sixteen years. I look back and I remember the pain like it was yesterday that I held her in my arms, the day I went from being a new mom to a birth mom. I have missed so much, but I have given too. When people say why didn’t you keep her or didn’t you love her makes me want to scream. I did not inflict all of this pain on myself because I didn’t want her, I wanted her more than anything but I also wanted her to be able to have a life that I could not give. I remember so clearly sitting in that hospital bed holding her, crying, telling her how much I love her and why I chose this path for the both of us. I look back and I wonder why……why didn’t I keep her sonogram pictures, why didn’t I insist that I was the first to hold her, why did I attempt to act as if she was never mine? I know the answer, it was easier for me to block it out and feel as if she was theirs all along. I thought it was the best, I thought I wouldn’t mind, but sixteen years later I still hate that I did it that way. I hate that I could hear her crying down the hall once she was delivered, I hate that I can’t just sneak a peek at her sonogram photos, I hate that I didn’t sooth her when she first entered this world. If I could turn back the hands of time I wouldn’t have changed the fact that she is with her family, but I would have changed the fact that I let them be so involved in my first and last couple of days with her. I should have told them that I wanted my twenty-four hours with her to be just me, not them. I should have held her close to my skin so we could feel each other’s hearts beating. I should have given myself the chance to feed her but I didn’t and I took so much away from me. I wish I would have known more about adoption, I wish I knew and understood that I could have it my way those last few hours with her. These are the most important parts of adoption that is not known when the adoption is private. I didn’t have a plan for myself. I don’t think these things would have ever changed this emotional roller coaster that I jumped on sixteen years ago but I do believe that it would have helped her. I miss her so very much and during the spring my heart hurts for her and it is uncontrollable, it just happens. Sixteen springs of unwanted sadness, sixteen springs of trying to figure out why I become sad during this time of year, it is just my body and my heart missing a child that was created within me. Feeling my heart break in a thousand pieces all over again. It is funny how it comes on its own but this is the time I give myself time to grieve again. Maybe one day it will become easier, maybe once I meet my daughter again the spring time will be easier. Once I do meet her again this is the time of year we will probably have the most communication because this is HER time of year. My heart keeps spring time just for her. Until we meet again I will continue to hold her here in my heart but I think my body, uncontrollably, will hold her place in spring…………