I sit here and wonder what life would be like if you were here, a teenager with a young mom. How different would you be than what you are now? You wouldn't have had all the opprotunities that you have had in your wonderful life this far but you would have me, the only person that knows what it felt like to hold you under my heart. The only person that knows the pain of not having you. Sometimes I wish I could have the last sixteen years with you, to watch you during all of your firsts, to comfort you when you needed it, and to tuck you in at night with a soft kiss like I do to your siblings now. I wish I could have watched it all unfold, both ways, before I made my choice to walk this long journey. I wish I would have known the longing and the aching deep in my soul. This aching is unreal to so many but so real to me. It has been real for far too long and though I am at peace with the choice I have made and the life that I have given you it doesn't take away the ache that is within me. You are my drive, the one that kept me alive when I felt I wanted to die. You have been the one person that has made me so strong and I love that, but would it have been the same way if you were with me? I know none of us will ever know the answers but they are questions that have been with me for sixteen years. If I would have known the pain of not having you would I have held you tight and thought of myself instead of your life? I wonder if your pain matches mine, I wonder if you wish I would have kept you instead of handing you so lovingly to your Mom and Dad. I pray you don't hurt and I pray you know that I love you. A good thing about now is that I don't hurt like I use to, I know I can live without you but I pray it is not forever. I thought I would see you by now, I believed in my heart that you would want to meet me, but it is not our time for you are not ready. Maybe in a couple of more years when you are all grown up, a college student, an adult. I wonder sometimes how it will be when we meet, will we hug each other or will we feel like strangers meeting for the first time. When I do have the chance to embrace you will you remember how it felt to be in my arms so many years ago? I remember how it felt to have you in my arms, that is all I remember, the hospital stay. We went to luch a couple of times after that, me, you and your mom, but I don't remember them to well, not like the hospital. The hospital stay feels like yesterday, but the luch dates feel like a lifetime ago. As your birthday continues to come closer I think of you more often. I pray for you, for us. I pray that it just means that OUR time is coming closer, I believe that our time will be here one day, but at times that day won't come quick enough. One day baby girl I will have the chance to show my love to you once again. One day I will be able to share tears with you as we travel back in time I am sure, and then continue the journey together instead of alone...........