Adoption Journey Continues (everyday I grow a little more)

     I spoke with a teenage boy today who is angry. When we got to the bottom line I found he is adopted and he acts out against his AMom because he is angry that he is adopted. I told him that as a Birth Mother I want him to know that it is okay to be angry, and it is even okay to be angry at his Birth Mom, but in no way should he be angry with his adoptive mother for choosing him. This was a huge step for me to tell an adoptee that it is okay to be angry at a Birth Mother, and the truth is I was being honest. I truly feel that if Ashleigh is mad I pray that she isn't mad with her Mom or Dad. I feel it is okay that she is angry with me, and angry with her adoption, but I pray that she will always respect her parents and will ALWAYS believe and know that they LOVE her unconditionally. I pray that if she is or ever is in the future angry about the choices I made that she is angry towards the right person, ME!!!! It was amazing to have this talk today and it was amazing to hear myself say that it is okay to be angry with adoption, it is angry to be angry with the person that made the choice. It felt good to know that I could say that with no sadness and with total honesty..........what a beautiful day......

Family Vacation: St. Augustine, Florida Feb 15- Feb 17 2013

     St. Augustine, Florida what a beautiful place.

  Durand and I traveled there a couple of years ago and chose this place for a mini-vacation with all of our kids this year. A weekend away from life, away from fighting children, housework, and every thing else that is part of everyday life.

Don't the kids look like they are having a great time :). Believe it or not, it was freezing, oh so cold. Even that didn't stop us from having a great time with each other. The old jail was a great experiance and little Landen was our little actor....lol...didn't care who was watching, he was acting!!!!

The kids, believe it or not, did not fight too much :). At times I wondered to myself why we brought them with us for his birthday weekend, but as I watched them I remembered just how important they are to me, just how much I love each and every one of them. I was reminded of how much they truly love each other.

The old grave yard we went through was sad. So many grave stones with such young people buried, and I mean young. The kids enjoyed learning about the stones and the fact that up to 25 different people were burried in the same area and the stone represented the person that was on top. St. Augustine is a fun and, yes you guessed it, an educational place.

The oldest school was another great place to see. Talk about showing your kids how good they have it now a days? LOL!!!!!! Isn't it crazy how schools have changed? The kids liked this tour, with the wishing well and the big school bell that they got to pull and make ring. This was a fund stop and we all got a diploma :).

Ever wonder what a "Cracker" really is? We found this at the old museum.

This was another stop on our set of tours and the museum gave us so much to look at and even more to learn. The kids enjoyed learning and I don't think they even realized it :).

The fountain of youth, what a beautiful place. Durand and I both drank water from it so hopefully we will stay youthful....LOL. The tour here showed us how the ships sailed using the stars. Showed how Ponce De Leon was the first to truly land on America and how America was once Florida. They also shot off cannons which was a cool experience.

     I will finish our trip tomorrow because it took us two days to take our tours so I will continue tomorrow. If you ever want to enjoy time with your family while learning some new things this is a place to go. St. Augustine Florida, simply BEAUTIFUL :)

Birthday Letter (16th) to my Beautiful "Birth" daughter

Dear Ashleigh,

     Happy Sixteenth Birthday!!!!!!!!! It is hard to believe you entered this world sixteen years ago, you are now the age I was when I gave birth to you. I am so proud to have been the one that was given the chance to carry you under my heart. I pray that your birthday is wonderful, which I am sure it will be. It is time to drive now, are you getting your license? Of course you don’t have to tell me if you are or not, just a question I wanted to ask. My mom, your (birth)grandmother, made me get mine. I didn’t want to get mine, I was scared of driving but I sure am thankful that she made me anyway, it made my life a bit easier.

     Well Ash, I don’t know what else I should write to you because I am not sure what you want to hear. I do know that I want you to be aware of the fact that at any time that you are ready for contact I am here, ready and willing. I never want you to feel any pressure, I just want you to know that if you ever need anything I am here. I also want you to know that I love your Mom and Dad more than many will ever know, they are wonderful people. Also remember this I would never think I could take their place, nor would I want to, they are your parents and wonderful parents I believe they are. Know that I am just an addition to that, a person that gave you life sixteen years ago, and that I love you oh so very much.

     Much love and I hope your sixteenth birthday is the best birthday yet.

Love Always,

Janel Indingar (Your “birth” mother)

It will be your birthday in a few days, on mothers day to be exact. Gosh I hate when your special day falls on another holiday. Mothers Day or no Mothers Day this is always YOUR day in my eyes. This is the day I griev another year missed. This is the day my heart breaks all over again and I yern for you more than ever. I wanted to write you a birthday letter but I don't think I can do it without hurting someone in the process. So another year will go by that all I can say is Happy Birthday. However, it is a year closer to me having the chance of maybe meeting you. A year closer to when I can reach out to you without personally feeling guilty, because once you are 18 I will attempt to reach out to you.

It has almost been sixteen years since I have layed in a hospital bed with your mom on one side and mine on the other, waiting for your arrival. It has been sixteen years since I pushed you out and instead of the nurses handing you to me they wheeled you out with your mom hot on their tails. Oh how the thoughts of adoption have changed. I wish they would have handed you to me, so I could have been the first to see you. Back then it didn't hurt me so much because I didn't understand the importance of it but today it breaks my heart. I had the right to hold you first, I am your "first" mother so I should have gotten that first since I missed all the rest. I could hear you crying as they wheeled you down that hallway and I can still hear it so clearly, you are my greatest memory. Baby girl I didn't get to have any firsts with you, I never even had the chance to feed you. As I think of these things I feel hate for adoption. I missed so much that I shouldn't have. To most people I was just a birth mother, but to me I was a broken, lost mother. I held you in my hospital bed that first night, your parents at least gave me that, alone with you. I held you, I cried so many tears I am sure I created a river. As I held you I told you how much I love you, I tried to explain to the both of us AGAIN why I was letting you go. I wanted you to remember my touch, my voice, my heart. Still to this day I pray that you remember my touch, my voice, and my heart. After you were here in this world for twenty-four hours your parents took you away. They did it the wrong way, they were suppose to wait for me to leave first but they were SELFISH.........they didn't wait, I saw them walking down the hall with you in tow. Why didn't they think of my feelings for a minute, why didn't they let me say goodbye one last time? It hurt me but I pretended to be strong, I pretended it didn't bother me. I tried to block the pain out, pretend that I was happy and okay with letting you go but I wasn't. Don't get me wrong I believe what I did was right, but the pain was too much to handle at times. For your first year of life, I got some pictures and a dress from you and your mom, but that year was the worst. I wanted to die that year, I wanted the pain to go away. You kept me alive, I never wanted you to hear that you would never meet me because I killed myself. I wish I had someone to talk to during the darkest times of my life but I thought I had to be strong. Adoption was suppose to help both of us, you were suppose to have what I couldn't give and I was suppose to be able to reach my full potential in life, well I hope half of the plan happened. I pray you have a life that you love. I sucked at school after letting you go. I didn't want to be there, shoot, I didn't want to be here at all. I did have a chance to see you a couple of times for lunch with your mom, but then she ended those and I hated her for that. I love your mom now but it took many years of me growing up and going through many challenges before I got to a place where I could attempt to understand where her heart and mind were. This adoption journey has been one that I would never do a second time, it is too painful. I don't regret my adoption journey, but I never would want to go through it again. Don't worry Ash, my life is better now. I still miss you, I still cry for you, and most of the time I still do it alone, but I have peace with it. Now is the time that I worry that maybe you don't have peace. I hope you do and I hope when you do reach out to me you are honest and open with me, I hope you will ask me any question that you want answered. I cried a lot today while writting this, it has been a while since I have cried like that for you, but writting this made me hurt inside, it made me have to remember those first couple of years of your life. It took me back to being sixteen, seventeen, and even eighteen. I will always have a missing part of my heart as long as you are missing from my life but that is because I willingly gave it to your parents. Who would have known that sixteen years ago would be the best and worst day of my life..............

     Today I feel so very much in love. I love the man that came into my life four years ago and with each day my love grows for him even more. He has become so much of my life. As I cleaned the house today all I could think about is marrying him, making him mine forever. I have so many insecurities within myself from my past and I will get over them at some point in my life. I have such a fear of this wonderful man finding a woman that is "better" than me, a woman that my catch his eye. He is the best man for me and I can feel it within my heart. As I lay next to him I can feel this feeling that I can't even describe, I guess a feeling of peace. The love inside of me is so strong that as I type this tears come to my eyes, tears of happiness. I always go back to the day I fell back in love with this wonderful man, the day I wanted to kick myself because I had been selfish and let this man leave out of my life. I will never again let him leave, I will always fight for him, and I will always better myself for him. You are stuck with me forever Durand and noone will ever have the power to change that.......

And my adoption circle becomes bigger.......

     I met a woman today that reminded me of you, well she actually reminded me of me. It all started when I was talking with this woman at work about why I majored in Psychology and what I want to do with my life. I told her, " I want to work in adoption" and that seemed to have shaken her. She asked me, "Why adoption?" and I said, "because I want to work with birthmothers because I am a birthmother". She began to cry and explained to me that she too is a birthmother of 29 years. She was 13 when she had a baby and they told her they were going to give the baby a bath and she never saw him again until two years ago. Even with being reunited with her baby boy after all of the pain she walk with she continues to have pain. I could see the pain in her soul because it poured out of her eyes. Her eyes were so soft, tired, and hurt. She talked about her happiness when finally meeting her little boy but the tears still came and her eyes still very sad. I saw a woman today that had a more difficult adoption story than I, a woman that has so much more pain inside of herself than I, but we still felt a connection that will now have us tied together. Even if I don't have contact with her after today I will always hurt for her, think of her, and love her. She has walked a very hard road and she is still attempting to find peace after reunification but she is still so very strong. She made me sad for you baby girl. She made me emotional, but she made me happy. Happy that I have had the chances of watching you grow from a distance, the chance of knowing where you live, and a chance to have a relationship with your mommy. Baby girl this woman made me think of you all day today, this beautiful holiday I had the chance of enjoying with your brothers and sisters and in a way enjoying it with you. I got to enjoy with you because you were so in the front of my mind and heavy on my heart but I continue to be greatful for you. She gave me even more faith about you wanting me, wanting me for you, I believe we will be together one day and she made me believe that even more so today. I have never known another birthmother other than the two I was side by side with when they went through it AFTER me and the ladies I know from online messaging/support groups. Today I got the pleasure of getting to know a woman that was a birthmother way before my time of becoming a birthmother and to see her pain and her happiness gave me a great feeling. I love you honey and we will be together once more..........

     I sit here and wonder what life would be like if you were here, a teenager with a young mom. How different would you be than what you are now? You wouldn't have had all the opprotunities that you have had in your wonderful life this far but you would have me, the only person that knows what it felt like to hold you under my heart. The only person that knows the pain of not having you. Sometimes I wish I could have the last sixteen years with you, to watch you during all of your firsts, to comfort you when you needed it, and to tuck you in at night with a soft kiss like I do to your siblings now. I wish I could have watched it all unfold, both ways, before I made my choice to walk this long journey. I wish I would have known the longing and the aching deep in my soul. This aching is unreal to so many but so real to me. It has been real for far too long and though I am at peace with the choice I have made and the life that I have given you it doesn't take away the ache that is within me. You are my drive, the one that kept me alive when I felt I wanted to die. You have been the one person that has made me so strong and I love that, but would it have been the same way if you were with me? I know none of us will ever know the answers but they are questions that have been with me for sixteen years. If I would have known the pain of not having you would I have held you tight and thought of myself instead of your life? I wonder if your pain matches mine, I wonder if you wish I would have kept you instead of handing you so lovingly to your Mom and Dad. I pray you don't hurt and I pray you know that I love you. A good thing about now is that I don't hurt like I use to, I know I can live without you but I pray it is not forever. I thought I would see you by now, I believed in my heart that you would want to meet me, but it is not our time for you are not ready. Maybe in a couple of more years when you are all grown up, a college student, an adult. I wonder sometimes how it will be when we meet, will we hug each other or will we feel like strangers meeting for the first time. When I do have the chance to embrace you will you remember how it felt to be in my arms so many years ago? I remember how it felt to have you in my arms, that is all I remember, the hospital stay. We went to luch a couple of times after that, me, you and your mom, but I don't remember them to well, not like the hospital. The hospital stay feels like yesterday, but the luch dates feel like a lifetime ago. As your birthday continues to come closer I think of you more often. I pray for you, for us. I pray that it just means that OUR time is coming closer, I believe that our time will be here one day, but at times that day won't come quick enough. One day baby girl I will have the chance to show my love to you once again. One day I will be able to share tears with you as we travel back in time I am sure, and then continue the journey together instead of alone...........