I sit here and wonder what life would be like if you were here, a teenager with a young mom. How different would you be than what you are now? You wouldn't have had all the opprotunities that you have had in your wonderful life this far but you would have me, the only person that knows what it felt like to hold you under my heart. The only person that knows the pain of not having you. Sometimes I wish I could have the last sixteen years with you, to watch you during all of your firsts, to comfort you when you needed it, and to tuck you in at night with a soft kiss like I do to your siblings now. I wish I could have watched it all unfold, both ways, before I made my choice to walk this long journey. I wish I would have known the longing and the aching deep in my soul. This aching is unreal to so many but so real to me. It has been real for far too long and though I am at peace with the choice I have made and the life that I have given you it doesn't take away the ache that is within me. You are my drive, the one that kept me alive when I felt I wanted to die. You have been the one person that has made me so strong and I love that, but would it have been the same way if you were with me? I know none of us will ever know the answers but they are questions that have been with me for sixteen years. If I would have known the pain of not having you would I have held you tight and thought of myself instead of your life? I wonder if your pain matches mine, I wonder if you wish I would have kept you instead of handing you so lovingly to your Mom and Dad. I pray you don't hurt and I pray you know that I love you. A good thing about now is that I don't hurt like I use to, I know I can live without you but I pray it is not forever. I thought I would see you by now, I believed in my heart that you would want to meet me, but it is not our time for you are not ready. Maybe in a couple of more years when you are all grown up, a college student, an adult. I wonder sometimes how it will be when we meet, will we hug each other or will we feel like strangers meeting for the first time. When I do have the chance to embrace you will you remember how it felt to be in my arms so many years ago? I remember how it felt to have you in my arms, that is all I remember, the hospital stay. We went to luch a couple of times after that, me, you and your mom, but I don't remember them to well, not like the hospital. The hospital stay feels like yesterday, but the luch dates feel like a lifetime ago. As your birthday continues to come closer I think of you more often. I pray for you, for us. I pray that it just means that OUR time is coming closer, I believe that our time will be here one day, but at times that day won't come quick enough. One day baby girl I will have the chance to show my love to you once again. One day I will be able to share tears with you as we travel back in time I am sure, and then continue the journey together instead of alone...........

Spring Time

It’s amazing how time goes by but it seems to stand still. I look at the time that has passed and I can’t believe it has been sixteen years. I look back and I remember the pain like it was yesterday that I held her in my arms, the day I went from being a new mom to a birth mom. I have missed so much, but I have given too. When people say why didn’t you keep her or didn’t you love her makes me want to scream. I did not inflict all of this pain on myself because I didn’t want her, I wanted her more than anything but I also wanted her to be able to have a life that I could not give. I remember so clearly sitting in that hospital bed holding her, crying, telling her how much I love her and why I chose this path for the both of us. I look back and I wonder why……why didn’t I keep her sonogram pictures, why didn’t I insist that I was the first to hold her, why did I attempt to act as if she was never mine? I know the answer, it was easier for me to block it out and feel as if she was theirs all along. I thought it was the best, I thought I wouldn’t mind, but sixteen years later I still hate that I did it that way. I hate that I could hear her crying down the hall once she was delivered, I hate that I can’t just sneak a peek at her sonogram photos, I hate that I didn’t sooth her when she first entered this world. If I could turn back the hands of time I wouldn’t have changed the fact that she is with her family, but I would have changed the fact that I let them be so involved in my first and last couple of days with her. I should have told them that I wanted my twenty-four hours with her to be just me, not them. I should have held her close to my skin so we could feel each other’s hearts beating. I should have given myself the chance to feed her but I didn’t and I took so much away from me. I wish I would have known more about adoption, I wish I knew and understood that I could have it my way those last few hours with her. These are the most important parts of adoption that is not known when the adoption is private. I didn’t have a plan for myself. I don’t think these things would have ever changed this emotional roller coaster that I jumped on sixteen years ago but I do believe that it would have helped her. I miss her so very much and during the spring my heart hurts for her and it is uncontrollable, it just happens. Sixteen springs of unwanted sadness, sixteen springs of trying to figure out why I become sad during this time of year, it is just my body and my heart missing a child that was created within me. Feeling my heart break in a thousand pieces all over again. It is funny how it comes on its own but this is the time I give myself time to grieve again. Maybe one day it will become easier, maybe once I meet my daughter again the spring time will be easier. Once I do meet her again this is the time of year we will probably have the most communication because this is HER time of year. My heart keeps spring time just for her. Until we meet again I will continue to hold her here in my heart but I think my body, uncontrollably, will hold her place in spring…………