Adoption all around me.........

     It seems like everywhere I turn lately I see adoption. Having adoption around me makes me think of my oldest daughter and our adoption journey. I see some adoption stories that are more open than mine, I see adoption stories that are more closed than mine, and they use to make me sad (the more open ones) or happy (the more closed ones) but now they all just make me see how "RIGHT" mine is. I have used my emotional struggles with my adoption journey when talking with some of the kids at work and, well I hear a lot of different things. I guess the same things I have always heard, do you want her back, do you regret it, do you wish you could see her now.....and on and on. I use to take these things that were asked to me and keep them within myself, I use to ponder on if I answered the questions untruthfully so people could understand I love my adoption. The truth is, at the time, I would untruthfully answer because I wanted people to understand that I DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE. Don't get me wrong, I never regretted my choice but I did at times want things to be different, however, if I told people I want things to be different in my journey then it makes people feel like I made the wrong choice or I regret my choice, or that I don't like the journey I have been walking. Now I can be honest, I can better explain that yes I would love to see my daughter at this moment but with the choice I made I also made the choice to give her the freedom to make a choice, a choice to meet me. I love my daughter, not many can understand how I love her and I cannot even explain it. I loved her enough to break my own heart so she can have an awesome life. I don't know at this point if I broke her heart in the process and really I may never know, but at this time in my long, emotional journey, I honestly believe that I have given her the best family possible, and they have given her the best life possible. Sometimes I wish that my beautiful girl would email me or call me. I wish that her mother would email me saying she is ready, my daughter ready to meet me, but that day has not come and I am alright. Do you know that if I got a call or an email saying that Ash is ready to meet me that I would do ANYTHING that is required for that meet? As scary as it would be to face her after all these years I would run to her. I heard a story of a kid looking for his biological mother, when she was found she was no longer living. Hearing that story made me miss my baby, made me pray harder that she will want to meet me before I am too old or even worse before I leave this earth. I want to complete this journey, no it is not really ever complete, but meeting Ash face to face will complete it for me, it will come full circle. One day I will cross the bridge on the path that I am taking and I will stop having the vision of my now big girl as a tiny baby. It is funny because even though I have seen pictures in my mind she is a day old, she is in my arms and I am telling her goodbye. I think it is about time that in my mind I see her as a young woman so smart and beautiful. God, I remember that day, that first day so clearly and it helps me realize how far I have come in this journey. How far we all have come in this journey. I like having adoption around me, I like seeing the affects of it both the good and the bad. I think seeing all different sides and types of stories prepares me even more for that day, the day that will come here one day............