Sixteen Years Ago

     Sixteen years ago I knew I was pregnant. Sixteen years ago was the beginning of a new life for me. Through my pregnancy I cried a lot, I talked to her, and I sang songs. I was so scared to tell my mom, my friends, really any one except her biological father. I was "in love" with him and in my mind I thought we would be together and raise our daughter, but in my heart I knew that wasn't what would happen. When I was six and a half months pregnant I finally told my mother and that is the moment I made the hardest, most difficult choice I have ever made. I chose, at that moment, my first born's family. What I didn't know at that moment, the pain I was about to inflict on myself. A pain that would never really go away, a pain that I would hold onto because of a fear that if I let go of the pain then I no longer missed my baby girl. A pain that I hold on to because I don't know how to let go of the only part of my daughter that I have. I think it is time to try to replace this feeling of pain with love, happiness, and peace. Heartache will never change anything and stopping the heartache will not change anything either. If I let myself let go of this pain it doesn't mean I stopped loving my beautiful angel, it doesn't mean I don't miss her, it just means I I have peacefully and lovingly let her go. I have given her the chance to be raised in a wonderfully, loving family. I refused myself the chance to raise her, to be her mommy, and to physically show her my love. I have denied myself so much but only in the attempt to  give her what I felt she deserved. I guess I felt that I didn't deserve her, I couldn't raise her, and I couldn't give her everything that I wanted for her. All I could give her at the age of sixteen was love and poverty, she needed more than love and deserved so much more than poverty. She got what she deserves. She has a wonderful family that has given her more than I could even imagine. As she grows older she will even have more than she even knows and that, is another entire family. That in itself puts happiness in my heart. Understand this, understand that I have NEVER regretted the choice I made. I have NEVER wanted to take her back from her family. I have NEVER stopped loving her. She is in my heart and on my mind. She is a blessing in so many ways. She as made me want to better myself as a person and a mother. My life is richer because of her, my children are loved stronger because of her, and my self worth is higher because of her. She is my baby girl and NOTHING in this entire world will change that. She is a part of me and I am proud of that. She belongs to her parents and I was the person that made that happen. She is part of them and THAT is truly AMAZING.