15 Years Ago

It is crazy to think about 15 years going by. It is crazy to think that 15 years ago today I was about to carry out the hardest choice I have ever made in my life. 15 years ago I grew up a lot quicker than most girls my age at that time........

15 years ago I placed my first, most beautiful baby with a "Forever Family". I did what I felt was best for her and it is something that I still believe all these years later. This journey has been emotional, the most emotional thing I have EVER had to deal with, but I pray it has been well worth all of my ups and downs. I will never really know if the choice I made was right, I will never really know the "what ifs" and that is why we should cancel out any "what ifs", "should of", or "would of"......we don't know the answers to those and no matter how much we ask ourselves these questions we will NEVER have the answers to those questions.

15 years of people bringing me up and bringing me down....."you are so strong" or "how could you ever give away your child". 15 years of reading books of sorrow and books of joy. Reading psychological thoughts on seperation at birth.....all of these things made me happy, sad, angry, and I would cry, laugh, or just go for walks with the wants to destroy things.

This journey has been a struggle, heartbreaking, heartwarming, and loving. This journey will never be over but I hope it will always get better with more understanding. This journey has been amazing because I have experianced many emotions of life in just one descision. This journey has been lonely but at the same time full of love and support.

15 years ago a beautiful angel entered this world. A baby that turned into an amazingly beautiful young woman. She is soooo smart and talented. She is more than I could ask for her to be.

15 years ago life was created.....and 15 years ago on this little girls birthday a gift was given to a family......the gift of a life to raise as their own and do the best they possibly are able to do. 15 years ago I gave and trusted my heart with a Man and a Woman I barely knew......15 years later I know I gave my heart to a Man and a Woman that could do I better job than me, they love and care for my heart in such a gentle way.

Today 15 years after giving birth to my first child and letting her go I have to give thanks.....thanks to my supporters, thanks to the children I have living with me now that love their sister they have yet to meet.....to the people that put me down and made me fight for myself to understand my own decision.....AND TO THE MOST AMAZING MAN AND WOMAN I COULD HAVE EVER ASKED TO MEET........

15 years ago today was a beautiful day..........15 years from now I wonder what I will be writting........

My passion in life

I think I have finally found it, the passion I have. For the past few weeks I have gone back and forth with what I want to do in life. I withdrew from school 8 months before getting my BA in Psychology so I could start school for nursing. I have now reenrolled to finish my BA because I only have 8 months left and it is my passion. My passion is to work with people involved in adoption, it is my passion to help teenage girls become aware when it comes to sex, protection, and options if they need options. I want to see adoptions with happy endings. I want to be there for birthparents because I can say "I understand". I know what it is like to have noone around me that truly understands what it feels like to give up a piece of your heart. I know what it feels like to come to peace with the choices I have made. I know what it is like and I want to be there for others. I want people to see what a beautiful, amazing choice can be made when you choose adoption. I want people to know how hard it is, how painful it can be, but with all of it there is family, and there is so much love. One day I will have the chance to fullfil my passion, but first I needed to mend my broken pieces. I needed to beable to miss my daughter without crying, I needed to smile EVERYTIME I think about her. I am there, I am ready, and I cannot wait until God opens a door for me to walk through when it is time for me to continue on my adoption journey in a different route, a journey of helping others with their adoption journey.....oh how beautiful it will be.....

Adoption

Have you ever felt your heart break? I mean truly break into what felt like a thousand pieces? You know the saying “If you love him/her you will let him/her go?” I know that saying all to well. I have felt my heart break into a thousand pieces 15 years ago and it is still not complete. I know what it is like to let someone go because I love her. My first daughter was born 15 years ago and 15 years ago I placed her in another family’s arms. I felt my heart break that day, really felt it break. I have gone years with my heart broken and it has not been repaired, sometimes I ask myself will it ever be repaired? I think that in the future if my daughter comes to meet me then maybe my heart will fill whole again. Don’t get me wrong, letting my little angel go was not a mistake, was not something I have or ever will regret, it was beautiful, it was amazing, and it is something that has made me love so much more. My daughter’s family is amazing, so amazing that her mother has stayed in contact with me for the past 15 years. She has sent me updates, pictures, and love. She has given me the hope that “our” daughter loves and will always love me. Her mother has stayed connected with me and has loved me. I am proud to day I am a “birth” mother, I am proud to say my beautiful angel was set free 15 years ago and she has grown to be even more beautiful. I let my sweet angel go 15 years ago and as I watch her from a distance I know what a beautiful life I created. I know what a wonderful family I had a part in creating. Adoption can be such a beautiful option.

Bad Things Always Seem To Come With The Good

Yesterday I was so very happy. My first daughter's mother said that I can send gifts to our daughter directly now that she is older.....of course this brought excitement and happiness within myself. I told my fiance, Durand, and he said to me "you say you don't regret your decision, if she asks you if you regret it would you tell her the same?" I told him that of course I would tell her that I don't regret it, he then went on to tell me how selfish I am because what if saying that hurts her. Him saying that to me hurt me, and this is why this journey has been so hard. It has been so hard because when I get close to people and talk to them about Ash's adoption they hold on to that to hurt me because they know it is a sore spot for me. Why would people do that? This is how I feel, I do not or ever have regretted my decision, I have thought twice about if I did the right thing or not but I have NEVER REGRETED IT. I love my daughter and I believe in my heart that she knows that and will always knnow that. I believe that her mother has shared with her enough that my love is seen. Why is it that because it is a painful choice people think it is a bad choice or a regretful choice. I guess I should have said back to him "I don't regret giving her life, now if I would have taken her life away then I would have regret." Maybe then it would be better understood. So with my excitement there came pain. If you love me then be here for me, don't hurt me with a past that continues to hurt more then most can even start to understand.

Happy New Year...........2011 here we are............

     Now that the holidays are over it is time to start this new year on a good note. This is when we begin biggest loser so here we go, lets start subtracting pounds while adding smiles, health, and happiness. On top of biggest loser Durand and I have decided that we each get $25 for every pound lost so that gives me even more reason to pound out the runs, listen to Bob tell me what to do on my biggest loser DVD's, and use my muscles until the hurt. This is my time to let go of my wants and love of chocolate and put it in a place in my mind where it can be a wonderful treat that I can only earn. This is the time that I get to really work on the things that need to be worked on.

     So here it is 2011 and I am prepared for a great year. I look back and wonder how I got here, how I got so lucky to gain the life I have gained. 2 years ago I was a single mother of two beautiful children, about to be a single mother of 3. I then had my baby and made amends with his father, moved into a two bedroom with him and our six kids for about four months, and then moved into a four bedroom rental. So by October of 2009 I had six kids, a wonderful partner, and a four bedroom house we were renting. As we figured out how to make our lives "nomal" we continued to grow, I got a better job, we found a house to buy, and our children were doing wonderful in our new big blended family. 2010 brought a lot of happiness and amazement. 2010 was the year that we started doing a lot of things, Durand carved his first pumpkin ever, glittered his first stocking ever. We went hikking, bought a new car on top of the house we bought. The was some heartache in 2010 also but it was heartache that caused us to become closer, learn new things, and love each other in a different way. We have been blessed in 2010 so now here is 2011 and I just pray that we will continue to be blessed. I pray that our family continues to become stronger and we continue to create new traditions.

     So heres to 2011......may it be the best year yet.........maybe, just maybe I will complete my family and get married.........LOL